Monday, April 24, 2017

April 24th 2017

Expectancy, pain, and the sense of love and pride that come with motherhood were things I imagined I would feel on April 24th, 2017. 

It may not be in the way I wanted, but I still feel all of those things today. 

To my April baby,
I sat beside your grave today.
I arranged a little bouquet of flowers (and probably some weeds.. Only the prettiest though!) and placed them there.


Today was our estimated due date. At about this time, we would have held you in our arms and fallen deeper in love with you. You were our rainbow baby. Friends and family would have flocked to our sides to meet you and hold you and celebrate you. 

But instead, I sat under the tulip tree grieving your loss all alone. I think about the love and pride I have for you, and can only imagine how it would multiply if I got to see your sweet face and hold you in my arms, just like every other mommy I know. Our story is painfully different, and even though I know I'm not the only mommy with empty arms, it sure feels like it.

It's so hard to grieve your loss. It's my best guess that God intentionally and lovingly knit you together in my womb. That he gave you to us, but let you slip away from us for reasons I don't understand and struggle with on a regular basis.
Maybe you're with your big brother or sister, Poppop, Grampy, and both of my Mommoms.
I'm sure that if that's the case, you're getting plenty of loving attention and that you're in the best place you can be. 

I won't ever forget you and the short time we had together. I'm so proud of the fact that you existed. Even though I won't know you in this lifetime, I'm happy to carry you in my heart.

Somehow as I sat beside your grave today, I felt more thankfulness instead of sadness and anger. I know friends are praying for my hardened heart and believe that God is doing something through you. You have taught me to fight. You have given me the opportunity to fall in love with God all over again.

Rob came home with a surprise for us today.


You are still my pride and joy, although in a different way than I expected. 

No comments:

Post a Comment