Chocolate, Tampons, Wine, a Kitten, and a Rainbow

After the loss of our August baby, 9 months passed with no success at baby making. It got stressful. I began tracking my cycle, using OPKs, and trying new diets and supplements. We would try, wait the 2 weeks, I would get my hopes up, I would be disappointed, we would wait about another week or 2, then we would repeat it all again and again. Trying to conceive can be an emotional and physical roller coaster to say the least.

Rob got really good at “my wife is on another unwanted period” shopping trips. He brought home Ferrero Rocher chocolates, fried chicken, tampons, wine, and eventually a kitten!

(Our little Permelia!)

We were on a family vacation and out for breakfast together at the end a 2 week wait in August 2016 when I suddenly felt intense cramps. I assumed I was getting my period. I tried to smile and choke back the tears but I just couldn't. I took Rob's hand and started to cry at the table. He excused us and we quickly left the pancake house before I could even finish my coffee. 

Days went by with no bleeding, which was never normal for me. 

I took a pregnancy test and saw a faint positive line, just like the ones I saw in November 2015.

Of course I was excited, but also afraid to use the bathroom for fear that I would see blood again. We told some friends and family so they could pray, while more friends figured it out too quickly when I was on my 3^rd water bottle in the presence of beer. I couldn’t play the diet card after 3 pieces of pizza, either.

I began to feel familiar nausea and fatigue. The crappier I felt, the happier I was. I cleared time in my work schedule so I could take contented pregnancy naps with Permelia.

For 3 weeks, I kept taking pregnancy tests, thinking that as long as they stayed positive I would be in the clear. I started to see brown spotting, which worried me, but I kept trying to remain positive and keep testing. The 14 beautifully positive tests I had in a row had me feeling reassured. Each test looked darker than the last!

I was about 8 weeks along on September 12^th. The spotting was getting redder and heavier throughout the day, despite the darkly positive pregnancy test I had that morning.

That afternoon I felt physical and emotional pain like I never felt before as I began what I would describe as a mini labor, contractions and all. I began passing things that clearly were not just blood clots.

I was quickly asked by my doctor to come in for blood work and was sent for my first ultrasound.

My. First. Ultrasound.

I always imagined my first ultrasound as such a happy and surreal moment. I imagined both of us gazing, teary-eyed, at the flickering heartbeat of a creepy little tadpole baby that was all ours. Instead, we barely looked up because of the sad news we already knew. The screen was black and completely empty. No sign of life at all. 

I buried the fetal tissue under the tulip tree in our yard, so when the tree blooms in the Spring, it would be a reminder of our April baby, who will always be our second.