Carrying You

The next step, of course, was blood work every 2-3 days to make sure my HCG was about doubling each time. Even though my progesterone blood work results looked fine, I was also prescribed Endometrin, which is a fancy progesterone insert that works like a tampon. They prescribed it for twice a day until I was 10 weeks pregnant just as a precaution since I've had two losses, and I was happy to embark on the vagina pill adventure if it helped thicken my uterine lining to keep this little one snuggly implanted!

I felt reassured, but also pretty gross and bloated. It was a bit messy too. Panty liners became a friend again.

Of course, I was often scared of losing this baby just like the last two. Every little cramp was terrifying and ruined my day, and I became afraid of using the bathroom again, for fear there would be familiar blood. Still, I decided to keep celebrating! "Today I am pregnant!"

I'll never forget the moment when the fertility center called with my blood work results and said

"Congratulations! You're definitely pregnant!" 

and again when they called to tell me that my HCG had MORE than doubled from the first blood test!

Telling people was a joy! I made another batch of cinnamon rolls that we took to our parents' houses with a note and pregnancy test on top reading, "From my oven!".

We are all over the moon and totally obsessed!

I bought a shirt for Permelia to surprise friends when they come over for our Christmas movie nights:

We told our friends at church, and it was way more beautiful than I imagined it would be.

As I've said before, struggling with infertility also meant struggling with my faith. I was finally coming around to going back to church this month and being with the people who sometimes trigger sadness and comparison in me. That night during worship, I felt like I could begin to let go of the things that were making my heart so bitter. I kept telling God "I don't deserve this! Thank you! Please keep our baby safe and protect them." My cheeks burned with his presence. I felt like he said to me, "Your baby will be pressed against your cheek during worship time next year". 

After the service, I hugged my friends and whispered our news in their ears. We cried, we hugged, we prayed, we screamed, and we celebrated! I think I underestimated how invested everyone is and has been in all of this, and how excited everyone would be! 

Baby Smith, you were only the size of a peppercorn at the time, 

but you already had an army of people who love you!

On December 20th, 2017, I had my FIRST ULTRASOUND WITH AN ACTUAL BABY IN IT.



You were EASILY the best Christmas present, and not just for us!



On December 27th, 2017, we heard your heartbeat for the first time!



While all of the signs were looking great, it was still hard not to worry about how you were doing between ultrasounds. I remember praying "Jesus, protect. Jesus, intervene." all the way to our fertility specialists' appointments. On January 3rd, 2018, we had another ultrasound, confirming your healthy growth and your continuous strong heartbeat! We left the specialists' without needing to make another appointment. We had graduated to seeing a regular OBGYN!



For my 30th birthday, I treated myself to a fetal doppler so I could listen to the sweet sound of your heartbeat whenever I wanted! Best birthday present purchase ever.

The tiredness, nausea, food aversions, hormones, and cravings really started to ramp up in January and February. This is me crying under a blanket because there was nothing in the house to eat. (Ok, there was nothing I WANTED!) I really wanted Chick-Fil-Abut it was too far away, we were taking too long to figure out what to eat, and it was already 9pm. I was so stressed out and certain we'd never eat!
(blanket pic)

Despite all of the weird tears, I was SO happy. Here's a picture of me glowing at the beginning of my second trimester with you.



At the beginning of March, I had some spotting and it was traumatic for me. Rob was a rock and reminded me not to worry. You continued to do great! I kept using my fetal doppler to listen to your heartbeat and swooshing movements every morning.



I had spent the last decade or so designing cakes for everyone else's babies, and it was so beyond special and exciting to design the gender reveal cake for our own baby! Finding out if you were a boy or a girl was seriously one of the most exciting things about pregnancy. I obsessed and dreamed and had 2 registries set up for either gender!

On March 29th, 2018, our world changed forever at your anatomy scan! We watched in awe of you, our healthy, wiggly, little baby! We asked the ultrasound tech to conceal your gender from us and put the announcement in an envelope for our parents, who hosted a gender reveal party for us! We somehow managed not to peek and gave the envelope to my Mom, who sneakily filled the cake with pink or blue icing and concealed it from the outside so I could finish decorating it before we got together with our families to celebrate!

We fell deeper in love with you when we learned that you are a...













The next day, of course, meant a shopping trip with your Mommom to buy you some clothes and things for your nursery! Oh, what fun! You brought joy to our Easter table after so many years of funeral flowers and grief-filled hearts.









Here I am 6 months pregnant with you in your newly painted and decorated nursery!



Another picture at 6 months:



On June 29th, 2018, we saw a glimpse of your precious, squishy little face! You were so squished up against our placenta that it was hard for the ultrasound tech to get a picture of your whole face!



You had a beautiful baby shower!

















Your nursery quickly became the most decorated room in the house!



After everything we went through, I was constantly in awe of how smoothly pregnancy was going. I totally expected to be on pins and needles through the whole thing, but there was so much peace, support, and reassurance. I felt like I never wanted pregnancy to be over so much of the time. Every kick and movement brought a smile to my face. You loved to kick and push your foot into my right side, I can still feel it!

As I became full-term, it was such a wonderful shift to go from seeing signs of labor as an impending loss to seeing them as signs of the impending arrival of our perfect baby girl!



Here we are when I was 9 months pregnant with you! I loved to feel all of your swooshy movements, your foot running up and down my side, your kicks, and your hiccups! Every day I carried you was a tremendous gift. We still couldn't wait to see your sweet face and hold you in our arms, though! We were so full of expectancy, anxiousness, and excitement because we knew it could be any day!

The Plot Twist

I was even more of an emotional wreck in the first week of December 2017.

December 5th is Rob's birthday and I decided to make 3 batches of cinnamon rolls from scratch for his requested game night party. I got so stressed out with the first batch because my yeast wasn't activating and the house looked like a disaster! I texted Rob and told him I wanted to throw the dough out the window and cancel his party! I remember frantically sweeping while sobbing hysterically. Then when I pulled myself together, I started crying because I yelled at Rob on his birthday!

The next day I felt like crying because I hated the red and white lights on our house. They were too bright red and didn't match my maroon wreath ribbons. I couldn't believe how upset I was getting over the smallest things! I assumed it was PMS or maybe even some Clomid left in my system because that's exactly what it felt like!

That night I couldn't sleep. My body and mind were so restlessly excited despite my negative feelings. It felt like the night before Christmas, except with positive pregnancy tests dancing above my head instead of sugar plums. After all, my mom said she had a feeling I was pregnant last time she saw me and she is often freakishly right when she has these feelings!

.

That morning I tested.

I didn't want to watch the test fade from pink to white, revealing the answer to the question that kept me up all night. Rob watched it while I squinted and watched his face droop into that familiar frown.

"Nope.", he said sadly. 

I sulked for a minute and then looked at it myself.
I swore I saw a ghost of a second line. Rob didn't believe me until he started to see it too!

Those 3 minutes were such an emotional roller coaster. I felt so excited but SO afraid to be so! 

It didn't feel official since I knew I would have to do a blood test too, and it looked just like the faintly positive tests I had before my 2 miscarriages.

.

But STILL, that day I saw that second little faint line, and despite what I knew could happen for the third time, I fell in love all over again. 

That night was the first snow of the year. It was the perfect ending to the day.

The IUI Chapter

In October, we started this new chapter!

This became the new norm:

Cycle day 1: Period

Cycle day 3: Bloodwork/ultrasound/start Clomid

Cycle day 3-7: Clomid

Cycle day 12: Bloodwork/ultrasound/self-administered Ovidrel shot!

Cycle day 14: IUI

Cycle day 21: Progesterone bloodwork

Cycle day 28: Can I test yet?

Up until this cycle, the specialist administered my Ovidrel trigger shots at my cycle day 11, 12, or 14 appointments. With an IUI, the Ovidrel shot has to be administered at 9PM a full day before the IUI. This means I had to administer my own shot! I shot myself next to my belly button and felt shocked at how far I'd come in conquering my fear of needles since fertility treatment began!

On October 26th, we had our first IUI! 

We got up before the sun did, Rob produced his specimen, and off we went! New levels of intimacy were reached as I kept Rob's cup o' sperm warm in my shirt on our way to the specialist. 

We dropped it off and waited an hour before the IUI.

The procedure itself was pretty quick and painless. It felt similar to a pap smear, except with a lot more anxiety (oh the anxiety in the moment when they bring the specimen in and ask you to confirm that it belongs to your husband and not some stranger! Also, will this work?) and I wasn't allowed to get up right away. I had to lay there for 15 minutes and let the magic happen! (Well, hopefully!)

There was a cheesy little wind chime above my head that the doctor rang after the IUI. I know it's silly, but it made me smile! We told her we were going to be celebrating our anniversary that weekend and she said that it meant that we had good karma! 

We went to Ihop for breakfast and kept holding hands across the table saying "Ihop we get pregnant". Then when I got home I saw that Etsy featured my work for a third time! I felt excited and positive for the first time in a while. All of these events felt like good luck.

But our first IUI cycle didn't end with a pregnancy.

Next was the memorable Thanksgiving 2017 cycle.

Thanksgiving had become a more and more difficult holiday to get through.
Don't let the festive head bopper fool you!

We were so excited to announce our first pregnancy to my grandparents for Thanksgiving 2015, but by that Thanksgiving, that gift was taken away from us.

Thanksgiving 2016, we had 1 less Mommom to share our news with, and our news was taken away from us before Thanksgiving again.

Thanksgiving 2017 came with no happy news to share, and I had no Mommoms to celebrate with. I never felt so much grief at once. My family was dwindling, and although it seemed like it was up to us to help it grow and we were trying SO hard, it wasn't happening.

I always intentionally skip leaving the house on black Friday and plan to sleep in and decorate, but we had to get up bright and early for our second trip to the fertility specialist in a week because my follicles weren't ready to be triggered after the previous appointment. I felt uneasy because the doctor wasn't sure what day to schedule the IUI. Saturday looked like it could be too early, and Monday looked like it could be too late. We went with Saturday and were asked to have relations following the IUI for the next 2 nights or so to be safe. I just felt like the timing was off. I administered my trigger shot as soon as I got home in hopes that it could do its job in time for an IUI on the next day.

For the second day in a row (and for the third time in a week!), we got up before the sun did for a trip to the specialists. Rob was sick and it was sad to not have him at my side for this IUI.
At least the timing was kind of hilarious and seasonable. I felt like a big fat turkey getting basted for Thanksgiving dinner.

Then it was time to wait...

The Clomid Chapter

My picture perfect dream of finding out I was pregnant just before Mother's Day (with a due date just before my 30th birthday) didn't come true. 

In fact, I had missed my period and had high flying hopes that quickly crashed at the sight of that all too familiar negative pregnancy test. 

I'm guessing that the new medication had thrown my cycle off. I'll never forget the hours I sobbed in bed that morning, feeling so broken and hopeless because even though I knew I wasn't pregnant, my period was nowhere in sight. I no longer had a way of calculating when we could try again, and this felt like a new level of defeat and loss of control. The prolonged agony of the worst PMS I've ever had didn't help either! While looking for solidarity on the infertility subreddits a while back, I learned that for many women, this is the norm for every cycle!

Of course, I got my period on Mother's Day (Really, uterus?). It sounds cruel, but it was the happiest I was to see a period come in over 2 years!

Crippling nausea, I guess another symptom from getting used to the new medication, made it easier for me to stay home some nights, but church continued to become one of the hardest places for me to be. I felt like I had to lie every time someone asked me how I was doing. I didn't know how to answer that question anymore, and I was pretty sure I didn't put on a convincing show.

When I looked around the sanctuary, it was way too easy for me to feel alone in this struggle. ALL around me were sweet hints of baby bumps and arms cradling their blessings, while I pursed my lips to keep from choking on the (overly rosy) lyrics to some of the worship songs I'd grown to hate...

"You split the sea so I can walk right through it"

Really?

"You're never gonna let, You're never gonna let me down"

Worship leaders: We're going to sing this very triggering line repetitively for 10 minutes straight!

NOPE.

*Kristin exits the sanctuary with dagger eyes*

After the failure of June 2017's cycle, I started Clomid!

I had seen countless memes about it: 

So, this is what a typical Clomid cycle looked like for me:

1. The negative test. 

It sounds simple, but it hurt every time whether I expected it or not!

Usually, I would test if my period didn't come when I thought it would. Of course, it was always negative and I would get my period almost immediately after. (Again. Really, uterus?)

Then came the part of the day where I had to stop crying long enough to call the fertility specialist and get in line for the next roller coaster ride! I learned how to move things around in my schedule to make room for all of the appointments. I have the whole schedule memorized now! 

It goes a bit like this:
Cycle day 1: Period
Cycle day 3: Bloodwork/ultrasound/start Clomid

Cycle day 3-7: Clomid
Cycle day 12: Bloodwork/ultrasound/Ovidrel shot
Cycle day 21: Progesterone bloodwork
Cycle day 28: Can I test? Oh look it's negative

Cycle day 1... repeat endlessly.

My phone call time includes ordering a prefilled syringe called Ovidrel that somehow magically triggers ovulation when I inject it into my stomach. It arrives at our doorstep in a thick cooler (it has to be kept refrigerated), which Rob finds really useful for making turtle egg incubators and seed starters. We have enough ice packs in the freezer to keep all next Summer's beach trip snacks cool. Win/win/win/win?

2. The first blood work and ultrasound appointment of the month, usually on day 3 of my cycle. 

Yay for bloody, crampy, babyless trans-vaginal ultrasounds! 

As an added bonus, I would start taking the Clomid afterward.

I used to think it was cute to take selfies every time I got bloodwork done. 

That got old after a couple of failed cycles! I still plan to use the ones I did take as leverage on our future children. ("Look what I went through to give you life?")

Cycle days 3-7: Time to pop the Clomid pills. I started on 50mg and the symptoms were mild, although I felt more like distancing myself away from people and got more easily agitated! I remember silencing all of my text notifications and retreating away from people and loud places during my first 2 cycles with it. 

The WORST cycle with Clomid (so far) was cycle 2 when they doubled the prescription to 100mg. Rob and I were on family vacation and I had so many emotional breakdowns between feeling like the infertile minority, being constantly reminded of my year-ago pregnancy and the loss that followed, and being on the highest dose of fertility drugs yet! I remember shaking so bad and feeling so anxious and irritable that I had to lie down and sleep it off throughout the week. It probably looked like I was relaxing, but I wasn't!

3. The second bloodwork and ultrasound appointment of the month, usually around cycle day 12.

We would awkwardly carry the big fat Ovidrel cooler into the office, I would give my blood, and then get an ultrasound. The doctor would count the follicles on each ovary and measure them. We want at least one of them to be at least 20x20. The Clomid helped them grow. After the first cycle with 150mg the doctors were happy with the size of my follicles, so that was the dosage I got used to.

If my follicles were mature enough, the nurse would then give me the Ovidrel "trigger shot" to trigger ovulation.

Here I am after my first trigger shot. My belly is too white to make out the band-aid on it, but it's there. Haha. I was never so happy to be such a human pin cushion! I was certain it was going to bring success right away. Isn't that funny?

Sometimes my follicles weren't ready on cycle day 12, which meant we had to come back either the next day or in 2 days for another scan before I would be ready for the trigger shot, which meant taking another day off of work unexpectantly, driving an extra the hour and a half, paying the extra co-pay, and getting and stabbed and wanded one more time for each extra visit! At one point, both of my arms were bruised from all of the bloodwork!

4.  The dreaded 2 week wait. 
This was the impressionable time where a number on a thermometer had the ability to crush my spirits or send my hopes soaring. I would take my basal body temperature upon awakening. I would be completely consumed by what I was about to see before I even opened my eyes.

5. Blood work for progesterone, usually on cycle day 21.

I believe it was during the first Progesterone blood test on Clomid when it hit me that I wasn't afraid of getting my blood taken anymore! (I've always had a bloodwork phobia.) 

We wanted my Progesterone level to be at least 10ng/ml in order for my body to be able to support a pregnancy. On my first rounds of Clomid, it was a measly 8.something, but with the 150mg rounds of Clomid, it increased to 17.something! Yay monster hormone pills!

6. The heartbreaking basal body temperature dip, usually on cycle day 26.

From what I understand, I want my basal body temperature to keep rising after ovulation because that's a sign of pregnancy. I never saw my basal body temperature do that and I always kind of knew on this day that it was going to be another failed cycle. Permelia cuddles cheered me up on those mornings where I was crying over a number on my thermometer.

7. The "but I still haven't tested!" glimmer of false hope

8. The "Should I test?" stage, usually on cycle day 28.

This was the day the specialist wanted me to call in if I missed my period, but usually, my cycles are longer. On this day I was always wondering if it's too early to test.
I'd do it anyway. It was always negative.

9. The "maybe I tested too early!" glimmer of false hope
I needed to actually get a period before I gave up all hope!

10. My scumbag period started, and I started all over again with it!

In September, the specialists recommended we consider an IUI since we hadn't been successful with just Levothyroxine, Clomid, and Ovidrel. We didn't realize that was an option for us, but I was excited at the thought! It seemed to me that sperm-meeting-egg was our trouble and that an IUI would surely get me pregnant!

We got up before the sun did for our specialist appointment, drove 2 hours to and from the only office open on Saturdays (because cycle day 12 fell on a Sunday. Ugh.), and waited for over an hour even though I had an appointment. We weren't sure if IUI was covered by our insurance, but assumed that because I was getting my scan a day earlier than usual, and that I wasn't ready to be triggered until cycle day 14 in the past, that we would have time before the trigger day to figure out if it was covered in time to ask for one that cycle. 

I got my blood work and ultrasound done and of course, my follicles were totally ready and I got my trigger shot. 

I wanted to cry because I was so hopeful about the IUI and thought that just trying our best the old fashioned way was not going to work. Once again, I had so much hope and it was taken away in a second! Rob cheered me up with this homemade meme:



I can't help but crack a smile when I see those little kitty feet tufts!


You guessed it, that cycle ended without a pregnancy.

With every cycle, it felt incredibly foolish to try and be positive. It felt stupid to believe that the next cycle could be the one that ends in a pregnancy. It felt naive to hold on to hope when life had taught me over and over again that I shouldn’t get my hopes up because things never turn out like they did in the pretty pictures I painted in my head.

I also felt an enormous amount of pressure. All of the weight of us not being able to have a baby fell on me and on my body, and no matter what strides I took, it was never ever enough.

It was exhausting to be in a continual space of grief, to try to plan everything around my unpredictable menstrual cycle, to try to pull myself together enough at the end of the week to go to church, be with people and hold a regular conversation, only to find that my heart was too broken and that nobody seems to understand, and to repeat it all month after month with the same disappointing result.

 After this failed cycle, we were off to the next adventure.